There’s something I say at the end of every session with clients as they are leaving. It’s simple. Nothing complicated. Just four words. Be kind to yourself.
It might sound small, or even a bit obvious, but over time I’ve realised it’s one of the most important parts of the work. Because a lot of people don’t naturally speak to themselves in a kind way.
We can be quite harsh internally without even noticing it. We replay conversations in our heads. We question decisions we’ve made. We criticise ourselves for not handling things better or for making mistakes.
Well, there is a reason there are rubbers on the ends of pencils: it’s because everyone makes mistakes. We all look back and say, “I wish I hadn’t done that”, or “I wish I hadn’t said that to them.”
Sometimes it is far more helpful to look back on previous versions of oneself with compassion. Imagine if we spoke to other people the way we sometimes speak to ourselves.
What negative self-talk can sound like
And quite often, this cruel internal self-talk is subtle and goes unnoticed. It can become a constant background commentary running quietly underneath everyday life.
So when I say “be kind to yourself”, I don’t just mean how you look after yourself in general, like getting support when you need it, moving your body, eating well, and things like that. I also very much mean it in the way you talk to yourself. Because negative self-talk can show itself in many ways, and very often it begins much earlier than people realise.
Where self-criticism often begins
Imagine a child playing in a sand pit. They turn the bucket of sand over to make a sandcastle, but the sand isn’t wet enough, and the whole thing just collapses. The child looks at it, works it out for themselves, adds some water, and gives it another go.
Now imagine the same child in the same sand pit, but this time being watched by an older child who has already grown up around criticism. The sandcastle collapses again, but this time the child is told they are stupid, or an idiot, because it didn’t work properly. The child takes that on board. Then next time something they are doing doesn’t go to plan, they quietly say it to themselves: “You idiot”.
That’s often how negative self-talk begins. Over time, we absorb the voices, reactions, and attitudes around us, and eventually, those external voices can become our own internal voice. And once that voice settles in, many people carry it for years without even questioning it. They just assume that being hard on themselves is normal. Or necessary.
How negative self-talk affects well-being
And over time, that can leave people feeling exhausted, anxious, ashamed, or create a feeling of not being good enough.
In therapy, we can address this common issue by understanding our own sense of self-criticism, where that inner voice may come from, and learning to speak to ourselves with the same level of patience, understanding, and compassion you might offer to a friend.
Often this involves gently noticing when that critical voice shows up in everyday situations, and becoming able to pause long enough to question it rather than automatically accepting it as fact. Over time, this can help create a bit more space between who you actually are and what that voice is saying about you.
Learning to speak to yourself differently
Sometimes people are surprised when they first start to notice it, because it can feel like something they have lived with for so long that it just seems normal.
But once there is a bit more awareness of it, even small moments of change can begin to make a difference. It is not about getting rid of that voice completely, but more about understanding and changing your relationship with it, so it has less control over how you feel or how you see yourself.
That shift can take time; it doesn’t happen overnight, but it is often where you start to notice the way you speak to yourself has changed, and over time, this way of working can genuinely start to change the way you see and feel about yourself.
Because life is difficult enough without being your own worst critic as well. So when I say those four words at the end of a session, I genuinely mean them. Be kind to yourself.